Merz can look West, look East, or look at the moon, Germany is hammered

It’s a worrying sign  – perhaps one of irreversible senile decay – when one finds oneself admiring not merely a senior politician, but one who is chancellor of Germany. Readers of Brussels Signal are possibly aware that the position has not always been held by people of the most noble and uplifting probity  History whispers that there can be some terrible downstream consequences when the wrong people get the job. Bismarck, for example. Also Merkel. (Why? One word. Russia.) And there was that other chap….

It was to him that Friedrich Merz was recently referring when he addressed the reopening ceremony of the synagogue on Munich’s Reichenbachstrasse, and for a moment, genuinely wept. It was not in the least, as the expression goes, “performative”. Philipp Peyman Engel, editor-in-chief of the Jüdische Allgemeine, Germany’s foremost Jewish newspaper, reported: “It was a goosebump moment.”

That is an accolade indeed from any Jewish observer about a German chancellor. It is usually steps not bumps that most people refer to when ever talking about a goose and Germany. Moreover, one has to feel sorry for poor Merz: He has inherited a vast mess in whatever direction he looks. Upwards to the moon, from which a Chinese weapons station will probably be pointing its lasers on Berlin in ten years’ time. Eastwards towards Russia, enough said. Westward towards Brussels, the undemocratic home of a pseudo-democratic imperial union, and even further westward to Washington, which is rightly sick and tired of  Europe and its arrant, arrogant refusal to behave like adults. To the South he sees Israel and its endless war-or-survival, and beyond to the Arab countries, which also are the home of millions of “new Germans”, though as to whether that is what they will genuinely become is somewhere between marginal and net zero. So, a lot of juggler’s balls in the air….

Sorry. One further ball: The future, and the EU’s directive to end all combustion engines in vehicles by 2035, namely nine years from now. Or about the same amount of time since Manchester’s Ariane Grande massacre and the Grenfell Tower fire in London in 2017.  Within that tiny period, all new diesel and petrol engines will have vanished from Europe’s roads, which will then resonate with the virtually silent hum of electric vehicles. There is indeed no doubt that this will happen, just as NATO will re-equip its armoured forces with renewable sail-driven tanks made from shell-proof balsa wood. Meanwhile, the skies over Europe will be protected by the Israeli-made Hetz 4 exoatmospheric anti-ballistic missile, which will be propelled into space by a trebuchet made from seaweed, and woven by non-binary gender-neutral bees.  

Friedrich Merz did not quite put it like that. He’s a German politician, after all, and for Germans  the future of the car-industry is not a suitable subject for whimsy. Indeed, German politics has scarcely got over the shock administered by his predecessor, Olaf Scholz, when he made his famous Zeitenwende – “turning point” – speech after the Russian invasion of Ukraine. The open mouths of his green and leftish supporters as he detailed his politico-military about-face resembled those of the consistory of cardinals when Mother Teresa treated them to her legendary Dance of the Seven Veils, down to the final skinny wimple, which she then waved in the air before throwing it at them. OK, so maybe it’s not legendary where you live, but take my word for it. 

The point is that the German car industry knows that it is not technologically or economically possible for Europe to create an entirely green energy system while simultaneously switching to the manufacture of millions of all-electric cars, and all in nine years’ time. Just because Formula One cars all use  “green” fuel is humbug wrapped in sanctimony and powdered with the icing sugar of deceit. OK, so the fuel is all recycled angel spit. But as for the vehicles themselves, the infrastructure that gets them to their racing circuits, the roads on which they race, the petrochemical industry that makes that “renewable” fuel, are all part of a vast CO2 generating pyramid. How did the engine block of a Mercedes or Ferrari get made? Sewn from silk? How do the drivers get to their venues? Rowed there first class by Greta Thunberg?

Meanwhile, Europe is gazing at the moon knowing that the Chinese who are making all those state-subsidised electric cars that are hammering German exports are also planning pseudo-scientific, but largely military operations there. That’s why Germany is already allocating €35 billion for the European Space Agency, and in return is getting a German “astronaut” on the first Artemis moon mission. Though of course, the term, “astronaut”  is about as accurate here as “renewable”: The “astronauts” on the space station orbit 400 kilometres above the earth, which is about the same distance as that between Newcastle and Glasgow, though on arrival at the space station, the Chinse will – happily for them – not find too many Glasgow Rangers fans, but inverted commas galore. 

That’s the thing when writing about the EU: With all the necessary irony, sarcasm and  cynicism, you need to have loads of inverted commas. Europe is also planning the “Rosalind Franklin Rover” – yes, yet more of them – on Mars, now set for a launch in, ah, “2028”, following its original launch date (which was set in 2020) in 2022. Yes, three years ago, and sorry, I’m quite out of inverted commas, so you’ll have to imagine them from now on. And that’s the way of all these project: They have timetables – ah, where those beloved commas when you need them most? – that are quite unrelated to reality. The ones that really, really  count are usually military. So until the USAF/Army/Navy are  unleashed on space again, all timetables for EU scientific projects may as well have been written by Lewis Carroll: Alice in the the EU-Glass.

This certainly applies to the EU’s plans for net zero, and why oh why did I exhaust my precious reserves of inverted commas so spend thriftily?  The youngest person alive today will have gasped their final plaintive inverted comma when future politicians are still assuring the world of the glorious imminence of net zero. Hovering above them all will be the wise wraith of Friedrich Merz, shaking his head and murmuring commalessly: Oh didn’t I warn you?

Kevin Myers is an Irish journalist, author and broadcaster. He has reported on the wars in Northern Ireland, where he worked throughout the 1970s, Beirut and Bosnia.